Chatting with my friends fromThailand

It's comforting to know that what you went through/are going through is also being had by others.

Im also happy being back but noone understands what ive experienced apart from who were there wh me which puts me in a weird spot... But i guess you know what i talk about

lol

have you been getting kats emails?

Yes, well, until i blocked her... Depressed me too much

Hihi

HAHAHAHAH!!!

Lost... One of the reasons i left: most longterm expats were lost to the max. Didnt want to end up like that
No, just the fact that most of the expats are running away from something and you just cant run away from yourself. You hv to fight ur fears and obstacles. They'll always travel wh you. Better to deal wh it and not try n run... Thats one of my biggest lessons in the last year.

I didnt go there to try n solve something, I tried to figure out if i could live in Th for a longer period of time. Well, I cant! I am Western, always will be, cherish my friends n family n love asia but dont want to swap one for the other

I found out there are some things I highly value and do not want to compromise... In order to stick to that I need to be right here, in cold, negative, dark n wet Holland... The other things are so important for me that Ill cope wh the rest

U r who u r!

Im sorry i missed that party back then

I was very drunk but...

What time you hv?

career to do list

update resume

find out how to write a grant

ask for advice on improvement from supervisor

email lady working with burmese women at the hospital

get a crappy retail or restaurant job to pay extra bills in the mean time

rosetta stone arabic

rosetta stone spanish

learn spanish

learn arabic

practice burmese?

apply apply to world relief

omg i found dream jobs

I told you

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2042097/Student-Nazi-dress-day-causes-outrage-Thailand.html

really... i can't find the words...

these are the people i was dealing with everyday.

and the best part of the article - imagining all of the thai teachers and hell - the whole country - looking confused and asking each other what the problem is.

i once tried to relate it to year zero for them. maybe, i thought, they would understand something closer to their country aka neighbor and during their lifetime. but those fuckers had no idea what that was either.

hey mai pen lai you lazy asses. mai pen lai.

is it serious?

I really hate when people ask if a relationship is serious. that makes it sound terrible.

word association - cancer, terminal, really bad

pushed into the water

Riverside


"When you're young, you think everything you do is disposable. You move from now to now, crumpling time up in your hands, tossing it away. You're your own speeding car. You think you can get rid of things, and people too - leave them behind. You don't yet know about the habit they have, of coming back.

Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been."
Margaret Atwood

This one likes a good penis joke

on the plane;
Frances - Are those nuts in your pocket (in a seductress voice)
Mom - hahahaha i bet you've used that one before

and there was that comment she made about my birthday card.
i pointed out the badly drawn breasts on the woman.
and she pointed out that they look like sad penises, then claimed that she didn't say penises and asked what kind of penises i was looking at.

good thing i spend a lot of time at bars so my parents expect this of me.

This is your life- the music industry

chicago...

i drank a lot.
33 drinks
didn't pay for at least half.

met viva brother at a bar. my friends can thank me for that hook up.
they put us on the list for their show the next night since it was sold out.

went to the show.

after partied with them. bar. tour bus. bar. bar.

despite temptations i was a good girl.

commissions

I am taking commissions for paintings

special deal -

$50 any subject and size.

all you have to do is provide the canvas - either buy yourself or give me the extra cost.
and if i run out - white paint, matte medium/glaze medium

and you are in charge of framing it i you want a frame.

can be finished in 1 to two weeks time.

where is the heart? i wouldn't say here.

Reverse culture shock is usually described in four stages:

Stage 1: Disengagement
Stage 2: Initial euphoria
Stage 3: Irritability and hostility
Stage 4: Readjustment and adaptation

Stage 1 begins before you leave your host country. you begin thinking about reentry and making your preparations for your return home. You also begin to realize that it's time to say goodbye to your friends abroad and to the place you've come to call home. The hustle and bustle of final, goodbye parties, and packing can intensify your feelings of sadness and frustration. You already miss the friends you've made and you are reluctant to leave. Or, you may make your last few days fly by so fast that you don't have time to reflect on your emotions and experiences.

Stage 2 usually begins shortly before departure, and it is characterized by feelings of excitement and anticipation- even euphoria - about returning home. This is very similar to the initial feelings of fascination and excitement you may have when you first entered your host country. You may be very happy to see your family and friends again, and they are also happy to see you. The length of this stage varies, and often ends with the realization that most people are not as interested in your experiences abroad as you had hoped. They will politely listen to your stories for a while, but you may find that soon they are ready to move on to the next topic of conversation. This is often one of the transitions to Stage 3.

Stage 3 You may experience feelings of frustration, anger, alienation, loneliness, disorientation, and helplessness and not understand exactly why. You might quickly become irritated or critical of others and of US culture. Depression, feeling like a stranger at home, and the ongoing to go back abroad are also not uncommon reactions. You may also feel less independent than you were while abroad. Most people are then able to move onto Stage 4.

Stage 4 is a gradual readjustment to life at home. Things will start to seem a little more normal again, and you will probably fall back into some old routines, but things won't be exactly the same as how you left them. You have most likely developed new attitudes, beliefs, habits as well as personal and professional goals, and you will see things differently now. the important thing is to try to incorporate the positive aspects of your international experience while abroad with the positive aspects of your life at home in the US.

Kat Dancer

My friends are so dear to me. Though they may pass through my life quickly they are always in my mind and living memories. I have met some of the most fascinating and amazing people in my travels and I am so happy to say that we still keep in contact. 6 messages from 4 people in 1 day!! in traveling you meet people and you may get along well or you may not get along, but you chat and you bond because you need each other. and little do you know but you will go through the same things.

this is from a message that a friend sent me. ps. that is 25C not F

When I first arrived in Spain at the beginning of June I sank deep into a state of culture and life shock, it seemed so harsh being removed from the life I had been living in Asia. For two days I was bundled in blankets and wool sweaters against the 'cold' (25 degrees). I felt as though I had been uprooted and dropped into a state of limbo... so planning for a return to Canada and all the people I need to reconnect with, all the things to do, became very important for me.

I look forward to being able to return to Thailand and Bali, I do not know how I will make all these things happen, but there are things I have to do, and now I have so many more friends in many different places, I want to keep all the connections alive. I miss the dancing!

Bali, and all my new friends... are constant sparkles in my memory.

buttery nipples, dirty martinis, margaritas, wiskey sours, beer, wine, shots

oh the list goes on.

the world is so much more beautiful

What did you think this blog was about?

Sea of Cowards

Judith, I hope this letter finds you and your eyes can find these letters that I’ve found. Sam, I’ve always made mistakes like this. Digging up things that should be left in the ground. This letter will be “old” some day, rear up, rush open and break your heart. I know, believe me, my shelves are full of them. Have you noticed that forest fires get started by looking too hard Well I’ve noticed that forest fires dont go out by looking at them. They seem to walk toward you at a faster pace. I try to watch them on television these days. They say “psychic drag” doesn’t work through TV. The world is the ocean and the land is wet. But my mouth goes dry every time i get the feeling i was taught to swim for all the wrong reasons. Circus lions seem to laugh at me, even though I paid My money like everyone else. Well your’e not like everyone else. Be glad the lion laughed, it’s rather rare. There is nothing of the sort documented in the encyclopedia or anywhere else. To get applause is to be ridiculed. It’s true when your’e a child. But is it still true when you’re a man? When you were a teenager. Did it feel better? I felt better. I didn’t know no better. Cracks in the kitchen, suitcases on the porch. A lot of things were different when i returned. My window was broken and the graffiti on the wall said “Go Home”. But I was home, wasn’t I? Was my language lost? Were my lungs broken? Had my mind hardened? My tooth loosened? Did I leave my heart at one of those doctors? Uptown, downtown, some town somwhere along the way the long way there? Things change. There’s nothing in those suitcases, it’s all in the cracks. To remember, To be a member, to be remembered To terrify, and be terrifying, to be teriified. To wake up. Plants grow up, why can’t I? Help a younger brother Stand up and survive. You gotta feed the meter a dime a dollar, give it water, call someone “father”, confess like a daughter, bleed to be smarter. Then you will grow up. A chain gets dragged across an iron floor and not A sound is made because i can’t hear any more It’s beautiful watching the bridges we’ve burned turning into boats. One day I’ll sail over, crossing my heart like a river, and you will get my jokes. A mother and father wait by the phone, nobody Returns, on the wall a picture of home I’ve forgotten you at times, but it doesn’t mean i don’t love you most of all. To eat rich and risk death and write with bricks And beat walls I try not to lean for long or think too hard about all the things I’m not allowed to do. Because I will want to do them then. And I will do them then. And I will burn just then. And guilt will still be someone elses word in someone else’s world. goats have it better, no speed, all fodder All responsibility lies in the rooster but hens Lay eggs and eggs break the game wide open And the bull will charge and take charge and flatten the cat and all bets will be off and the iron gates will shut, and be shut up for night, then shut for good, all hope will be lost, for 9 months at best, until the next bull fighter is born. Remember when we found mud and tried to give The mud to the nuns? Yes. They weren’t interested. And what a shock that was. We’d always thought they’d be eternally interested. An american truck drove by too fast and ripped off one of My arms. There’s nothing more thrilling than a bus going 90 on an american highway, your axels threatening to break in two. The truck stop is a mockery of soured love I am a foster child. Not anymore. Teeth get counted, stored, cleaned, shown, and bite down Hard upon anything that exists to be broken and bitten. Those who seek illness in the roots of health are perverted without being charming. There’s nothing a matter with being perverted as long as you are chaming. Please stop by if you are ever around. I will. But you know as well as i do. Accidents are derived from mythology. If I come, it will be completely on purpose. My light will be direct. So through the night. - Judith love sam kay

Kachin Independence Army

himhah

how many people does it take to convince you not to do something?
do you think they are being foolish and just dont understand?
then you would hear it a lot and start to believe, right?
what happens when you hear it more and more?
what will you do?

wouldn't you consider their point of view instead of being more stubborn?
do you want to win that bad?

i drop friends when they tell me i'm doing something wrong. but if a lot of people are telling me i think i would start to believe it.

This and That

What are you doing these days?
oh, you know...
... No. I don't know.
this and that.
...What is 'this and that'
you know. this and that.

this goes on for another 30 min

dont pressure me to answer if i give an answer so vague. what the fuck do you think im doing? i'm adjusting to american life and trying to find a job you inane old bat

absence

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.

I miss my brother, my students, and my friends

I'll Believe In Anything :

Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Your blood
Your bones
Your voice
and your ghost

We've both been very brave
Walk around with both legs
Fight the scary day
We both pull the tricks out of our sleeves

but I'll believe in anything
and you'll believe in anything
said I'll believe in anything
and you'll believe in anything

If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd take you where nobody knows you
And nobody gives a damn
said nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn

and I could take another hit for you
and I could take away your trips from you
and I could take away the salt from your eyes
and take away the spitting salt in you
and I could give you my apologies
by handing over my neologies
and I could take away the shaking knees
and I could give you all the olive trees
oh look at the trees and look at my face and look at a place far away from here

Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Your blood
Your bones
Your voice
and your ghost

We've both been very brave
Walk around with both legs
Fight the scary day
We both pull the tricks out of our sleeves

but I'll believe in anything
and you'll believe in anything

If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd take you where nobody knows you
And nobody gives a damn
I said nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn
I said nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn either way
About your blood
your bones
your voice
and ghost
because nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn either way

and now I'll believe in anything

the eye of the stove and the heart

how many times do you have to get burned before you learn to stop putting your hand on the stove?

you see many eyes on the stove and you think they can't all be hot.

so you test one.

you test two.

you test three.

each time you test you see something different than the last one. but yet each time you are burned.

maybe someday it won't burn, you think to yourself.

and you test the forth.

and the forth seems cool but suddenly your body shakes with the sizzle that runs through your fingers and you have a pain that is richer than the others. for before, the others had excuses. and what is the forth eye's excuse? he was just a stove eye, just like the others, and it was in his nature.

when do you learn that you will never be the same temperature as the eyes? do you have to touch more stove tops? it is in your nature to learn and grow. as it is in their nature to be hot. and so must it be that your nature is also to get burned?

you are mine to take.

after feeling down, and starting a variety of depressing blogs and following through with the depressing/slit my wrist tweets...i received a letter with a quote that I would like to share



Who knows where life will take me next? The world is my lobster after all.

BIG love to you all. I hope to see many of you in the next few months.

metta

metta

metta

now... for those of you who still don't understand what I'm saying when I sign off with "metta"...it is from the buddhist philosophy, it is the essence of Thai massage. When I explain this, it gives me goosebumps as this is what makes my spirit soar and my head swim sometimes when I am working...(and this is why I should always be doing massage and not something else!), in three words the simplest I can say is: unconditional unadulterated love.

Kat... incarnated yet again.

xxx

who will take my picture?

who will take my picture when I am standing on the beautiful beach and putting my toes in the water?
who will be with me and talk about the colors and the people and things we find in the world?
who will help me when I am lost or translate for me when I don't understand?
who will be there for me when I had a bad day?
there is no one.

don't you dare look forward to returning to the place where you were taken care of because it is gone.

Poverty

As I was sitting in church today a woman came up to me and said she was looking for a job. I told her to come by the school that I work for to see if they have anything. She kept asking questions and so I told her to sit next to me and I continued to talk to her as church was happening. Let me also comment on her appearance. She was a darker Asian with not new clothes, carrying a plastic bag and a purse. After we finished the brief conversation she continued to sit next to me as we prayed.

However, I was not praying. I was thinking - thank God that won't happen to me. But it can. It can so easily happen to me. It could happen to me tomorrow. or even today. I could lose all that I own. But someone would take care of me, right? nooo. what if my parents died and there was not enough to live off of? I could to an extent but I would be searching for a job just as desperately as this woman. I felt a small relief in thinking oh I still have my brother he could help me. no. what if he was already gone? dead. I would have nothing. and my friends wouldn't be able to help because you can't ask that of people. you cannot be so dependent.

you are alone and you are the only person who can take care of you. you cannot expect anyone to be there for you. you must be prepared to be the only one that is there for you.

I could not help this woman because I do not have the authority to. I would not be able to hire her, I would not be able to give her advice or hand her enough money. And at some point that will be me. I will be the beggar. I will be searching for a job and unable to find one. I will be starving. I will be dirty. and there will be no one there for me because they have to be there for themselves and they are trying to survive just like me.

comfort

things to look forward to about coming home:

air conditioning
riding in a car
listening to the radio
listening to the stereo
not getting blasted with pollution and bugs wherever I go
air conditioning
sleeping in a bed that has not been shared by god know how many people
windshields
windshield wipers
people understand what i am saying when i say HELP or EMERGENCY
having conversations in english
a shower that has been cleaned recently
roaches that don't fly and are under 3inches long
no noisy gekkos
warm water
water pressure
drinking out of the faucet
clean laundry
a drier
an iron
carpet
not having to take off my shoes every time i go somewhere
not hearing the carpenters
less dust
no black feet
a public library
reading current books
watching current movies
tv
a couch
watching tv online
sonic
cheese
pizza
pasta
tomatoes
salads
milk
not having bloodshot eyes from the dust
people who can drive
people who can think
voice mail
orange juice
music
friends*
an oven
a stove
soap
paper
toilet paper

New home. New job. New diet.

i have to make money. this means that i am doing a lot of online research on alternative jobs. i will become a plasma donating, online review making, babysitting artist.

and my new diet - only alcohol and water.
i have to lose all this damn rice weight and i sure as hell am not giving up drinking.

i might throw in some cake but thats all
my diet will mostly be alcohol.

hijacked airplane

so as i was hyperventilating on the plane from Ho Chi Min to Hanoi I was thinking about my last moments on the plane

I was thinking about how sad it would be if my flight from korea to LA was hijacked by terrorists. of course they would be koreans, and they would have to keep it cool for a few hours while we stopped in china. and why would they chose LA? who knows what's really happening in their minds? they have bombs strapped to their bodies for christs sake.

so they hijack this plane. i flash to the scenes of the families all upset. and then mine - she's been away for so long, she was just trying to make it home to see her family. (didn't think of the soldiers on my plane, you can call that selfish)

i then think if i die then i will constantly be stuck in purgatory. this is a metaphor

what about the air marshals? hmm...

anyway the men are hijacking the plane and being mean to people but i find the time to leave a contact to my friends and family. i can't use an onflight phone - those aren't around. can't use a cell. don't have one. can't do internet. so i grab my book and quickly and secretly scrawl a message that remains safe and might eventually reaches my people

I tell people i love them and all and how much they have meant to me. and i leave the password to my facebook account to kathleen so that she may continue posting for me. whether that be as me or in remembrance that is up to her.

and i thought of the possibility that ppl won't even know i was on the flight. the news is reporting it as it's happening but they haven't revealed the passengers yet. so before i go i will post on fbook my flight numbers. provided i have facebook in whatever country.

Freedom to Lead

hey, by the way tonight was very funny at class

yes i enjoyed being there, except for being hungry. thank you again for dinner!!

u r more than welcome

haha

tomorrow evening, eat something which make you full

:)

ok

until 8 pm then we can be hungry again

haha

hahaa

ok i will plan on being hungry at 8

and drink some milk before class

:)

hey, seriously i want to say that don't feel sorry for leaving me

because i think you feel not good about it

i am sad, and i hope you do well, i think you are smart enough and driven enough and that is very good

yes i can see on your face that you still feel bad to leave me

ooooo look at my new picture!

so i don't want you to feel that way

yes i see it

nice

haha

I want you to be happy, that is a true. Of course I want you to be my tutor longer time and I know you think I will be fine and which is very right. I am good.

yes. thank you for not being upset by it. and i am sure i will see you again

i mean after i leave

of course i will see you tomorrow

hhahahaha

and when i come back you will be in a university

yes yes tomorrow

i hope so

but if not

i am not sad

i will be doing something

somewhere

ha, look i like 'some'

hahaha

Report · 10:00pm

I completely understand you. And trust me , I am not upset

I am happy that you will be home soon and feel good.

me too

so, from now on I do not want you to think about leaving me and feel sorry. Be Strong

for me

pls

:)

ok

because I will be good I promise

you will hear good news from me sooner or later

after you went USA

goooood!

yes

so, pls delete leaving me feel sorry part from your brain and mind

In my mind, you never leave me.

and I am feeling good.

ooooo very sweet

let me keep it.

thanks

ok

:)

good. now i feel very good. i will give u your time

will not be interrupting all the time

:)

MAI

saying goodbye is hard

saying goodbye and good luck and sorry there is no one to teach you is harder

saying goodbye and good luck and sorry and knowing your future is almost worth staying to change.

you try so hard but because of where you were born and circumstances and wars beyond your control you cannot have the future that I can have. you have to try so hard to receive so little and for that I am responsible for leaving you.

you are strong. please do well.

I wish for you the best.

flying home

so finding a ticket is getting to be stressful
found my first - SEL to LAX with a stop in china
but the second. thought i could do LAX straight to BNA
no, i have to stop in CO. without seeing my bro
and it lands at 11pm on a friday

what i told my mom on fbook chat:

who's going to greet me at 11pm?

everyone will be too tired

or out partying

since it is a friday

and that is really what landing is all about

it's the crowd you bring to the airport

would that make you love me

it's in the 100s here.
and they still won't turn on the ac in the office.

i wonder if i fainted would they turn it on then

because i guarantee that will happen. the fainting, not the ac

fucking awful

garlic

http://www.bangkokpost.com/news/local/225026/chiang-mai-hotel-connected-to-four-deaths-gets-police-all-clear

several people have ended up dead in a hotel in chiang mai.


the workers at the hotel started showing up to work with garlic around their necks. they think it's the ghosts.

Sexual Harrassment...panda

http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/03/03/cb.boss.flirting.with.employee/index.html?hpt=C2

is it still illegal in Thailand?

what about if your company doesn't follow your contract?

and your boss is friends with everyone else above him and won't get in trouble?

and open marriages and relationships are very common?

No. this article has not helped my situation. not at all. well, maybe if it happens in America

free time

Say you are working 10 hours a day. in Thailand.
you finished all of your work for the week in the first 2 hrs of Monday
for some reason all of your coworkers are still working come Thursday. who knows what they are doing.
you feel guilty for always reading magazines and novels, it just seems more obvious that you have nothing to do.
so you work on your computer
you have finished catching up on current events - both news and entertainment.
you have read the funny websites like fml
you've browsed wikipedia
what else is there?

maybe go to health.com and see what kind of trivia and knowledge you can pick up. you browse different articles on marijuana, manic depression, and constipation. just because they are the newest and most viewed.

you then hear giggling behind you. you are at the constipation article. and you didn't think the ppl behind you could speak english.

well i can now tell you that antidepressants cause constipation. and not from experience, but because of the articles i read

take a hint

the most polite form of rejection is avoiding. despite the fact that you are prob thinking to yourself nooo i would like to be rejected to my face.
no, i don't think you would

here is how to politely reject someone

1. give him your number. (it saves his face from being embarrassed.) you can give him a fake but he will prob try and test it in front of you. or chase you down the street to test it in front of you. 2. but when he calls - don't answer.
yes, in thailand there is no voice mail, so he can call anywhere from 4-10 times in a row. Don't give in and answer. The ringing phone will be annoying, but DO NOT answer. Learn from my friend Caro's mistakes.
3. Do not respond to his texts.
It depends on the guy if you receive a text or a call first. You most likely will get both though. DO NOT respond to the text you receive. again we are going for polite here, so if you "politely" respond with a rejection in a text back you are already doing a big no no. Because you just made things rude.
4. He may try and find you on facebook. This will be funny, because you never gave him your last name. all he knows is that you are francis or frances, you are currently in chiang mai, and your accent sounds american. and you might have said you were from nashville, but you were too drunk and dont remember. When he finds you on facebook he might message you first.
he might say something like "Hey dude! You gave me a wrong number."
this is funny, cause if you did then you did it for a certain reason and he is calling you out on it or is asking for rejection.
to save your own face you may respond with "no i didn't" or something simpler. don't inquire anything else or share any details.
after all he already found you on facebook and thats already creepy. especially the things he could find out.
5. since you sort of opened a can of worms responding you may now be creative - the more the better. and come up with an elaborate story something to avoid seeing this man or woman.
6. if he doesn't get it still, stop responding all together
7. you feel bad? give it flat out. my fave way is in writing, the other ways just ended in "why?" and "can we meet and talk about this?" it may be rude, but it is certainly no time to be polite. especially if he hangs out outside your apt waiting for you to come home

bump and grind

i just want to reiterate how much i hate getting a penis bumped on me when I'm trying to dance. It's distracting and uncomfortable. and def turn off. esp when they grab me when I'm trying to distance myself from that thing and hold me closer and then murmur "do you feel anything?"
{shudder}

also try googling bump and grind with safety search off. tehehe

a list of grievances

Thai culture.

The longer I am here the more a mystery this place is to me. as in what the fuck do they care about and spend their time on?

1. It certainly isn't history.
They know very little about their own past and nothing about world history. Don't even think about mentioning WWII or Nazis to them.

Don't try to bring up September 11 to them, which was only a few years ago, hell that's a current event. They don't know it.

2. It isn't health...or exercise
Those words are completely foreign to them. they do know fat and thin though. and occasionally they have a diet day where they only eat fruit. but that's only a day. and they will not exercise. or walk. anywhere.

3. English
They can't speak it. even if it was their major in the university. fuck trying to have a conversation with em.

4. Movies and Music
ok, maybe they know thai and korean stuff. but that's it. that's like only knowing things from tennessee.

5. Religion
It's a buddist country, but don't ask questions about buddism cause they don't know

6. Games
Ask them to come up with a game. they only do a game that you taught them.

7. Technology
if you ask them to fix your computer they think it's real cute to delete your music and leave you with 9 carpenter's albums

8. Books
They only read books with pictures.

9. Ambition
huh?

10. Motivation
never heard of it. why do we have to?

Love

From the moment I walked in the door I was in love
seeing a good friend
A friend that I only saw once a week.
There were always drunken greetings,
a stumble into the bathroom.
a stop at the bar.
This friend could never be done sober.
lip gloss in my pocket. keys in kaths purse
we danced.
When it was up to me I would stay until it was absolutely time to go.
and then i left my friend until the next monday.

almost esphyiated

im drunk. i forgot what i was going to post. it was going to be short though. i taste squid in mah mouth.

but not me

some are engaged. some are married. some are married with children. some have love children. some are still in school. some got the job they went to school for. some moved back home. some are working in restaurants. some are drug addicts.

the only life I want is my own.

competency award please

i went to the hospital today for a physical for my work permit. they took my blood. only to check for syphilis. I really don't think the woman who took my blood should be around needles. i don't think she could see well plus she had Parkinson's. fuck my poor arm. i haven't taken many medical classes but i know enough that it should not be swollen and blue around my vein. and pain is usually bad.

Cracks in the kitchen, suitcases on the porch.

A lot of things were different when i returned. My window was broken and the graffiti on the wall said “Go Home”. But I was home, wasn’t I? Was my language lost? Were my lungs broken? Had my mind hardened? My tooth loosened? Did I leave my heart at one of those doctors? Uptown, downtown, some town somewhere along the way the long way there? Things change. There’s nothing in those suitcases, it’s all in the cracks.


I feel that if I go back that I will just go back in time and I will be sitting at the table in the small classroom with the studio art majors eating candy and learning about mounting pictures sitting beside Allison and Sherina and accidentally kicking Joel, wondering what in the world Ives is thinking. That I will just be walking to my car in the parking garage. That I will be sitting in Ives's basement with the bright spotlights on, wearing my green t-shirt waiting as he took pictures of me. That I will be sitting at my mom's computer downstairs in the kitchen with coffee beside me and checking my facebook in my pajamas one foot on the chair and a blanket around me. But my dreams tell me differently. I can't go back, I can only go back to the boring I was escaping. And I will have nothing to do. For I have had my exciting and I gave it up to come home.

i had a dream i went back to nash

crashville

i had a dream i went back. it was terrible. everything was boring. i went to 5 spot and the only person i saw that i recognized was someone that i always tried to avoid there. and the whole time during the dream i was like i can't believe i left thailand for this

it makes me sick to think of leaving.

i miss people at home and experiences. i wish a lot of my people would just come over here.
also it's going to be hard going back to a small minded area. they were small minded before i left and now they are going to be even smaller.

at the same time i can't wait to see it and complain about it.

this is for those who deside to give up on a dream

I know it's hard for you, but I can't console you in your decision to go home because I think you're stupid for giving up.

motorbike accident number 4

only the 2nd one that was actually my fault though.

the students and bosses asked if i had been drinking?
i said yes.
cause i was.
my boss was advising me to clean my wounds.
i said it hurt too much.
he said take a shot of tequila
i said that's what got me into this mess.

and i thought i just got away with some scrapes. but this one keeps oozing. plus the gauze keeps ripping off whatever skin forms. and i thought it was just bruises that were hurting when i touched certain areas, but tonight in the shower i noticed that my arm looks awfully funny shaped. different from other non broken arms

pink elephants

pink elephants

this used to be one of my least favorite parts to one of my least favorite movies.
but now
i know drinking.
i know hallucinating.
and i like and appreciate it.

i will write you the story of your life

Today

11:40am

hey!

11:40am

oh well hellpppp

ooooo

wanna skype

11:40am

i'm still house sitting

on their computer

with no skype

11:41am

ooo

11:41am

:/

11:41am

well next time i have something to show you

11:41am

what is it?!

11:41am

surprise

11:41am

dang it

i wanna know

but i'll wait I guess:)

how's your night goin?

11:42am

yes you'll have to

ok

hows your day

11:43am

it's been okay so far

just had breakfast with the high school crew

2 of em just go engaged

11:43am

oh shit

guess whos next

miss well

s

11:43am

who?

11:43am

spleen

you

11:44am

pshhh, according to Bob, yes

but I'm gonna go with no

not marriage

11:44am

i say you are as well

fine you move in with him

11:44am

I'm not there yet

11:44am

and you get pregnant

calling it

11:44am

yes, that is definitely more probable

11:44am

right now

11:44am

haha

this time last year this wouldn't have even been on my mind

11:45am

so you two are going to live together in mexico or nash?

11:45am

but right now things are slowing down so maybe those 2 things won't even happen

11:45am

well if things go my way

11:45am

i can't go to mexico. but i know it's going to be weird to do it here, so I don't know

11:45am

the way my kathleen paper doll story would go

11:46am

haha how would it go?

11:46am

but also in my story i could pick one route and then change it for you to the other when i think it is wrong

it would go hmmmm

i'm trying to think of what i would actually pick in my doll story

cause i usually go with shocking

11:47am

what would end the most happily?

11:47am

is frances included

11:47am

yes of course

11:47am

oh i generally don't choose the happiest

because not everyone can be happy

11:47am

i know you're the shocker!

i know, but I wanna be happy :)

and bright

and full of joy

11:48am

ok so frances is the ghost writer for kathleens story

where do i start?

kathleen is working at pei wei in murphreesboro

11:48am

anywhere

that's a bad start isn't it? i gotta change that

11:49am

and whats his face is working at pei wei in green hills?

11:49am

yeah

11:49am

he is thinking about moving back

11:49am

yeah

11:50am

actually how i would make things isn;t very nice because i don't care for him like you do so it would sadden you not be bright and happy the whole time, but maybe later

he gets deported - that is one route to take in my story

another - he goes back regretfully

11:50am

that could happen

11:51am

after heavy pushing of kathleen to go with him

and she wants to

11:51am

but she can't :/

11:51am

and she is so torn up over the decision

and does not want to tell him no

and is scared to death to tell him goodbye

for when could be the next time she sees him?

will he find someone else?

he won't he only has eyes for her right now, and the heart that he has for her will only be for her forever

but he moves and she stays because she sees her future here

even if she can't

she just can't leave

mental block

11:53am

this sounds true

11:53am

maybe someday she says

time passes

11:53am

haha

11:53am

the two still love one another

but they grow apart

talking less frequently

11:54am

very probable

11:54am

and less

he marries someone in mexico

11:54am

and she has lots and lots of babies

11:54am

or a mexican in georgia - where he moves to when he comes back

yes she has several babies

but both still think of the other from time to time

and kathleen has a job doing what she loves

11:55am

teaching!

11:57am

cooking. and gets to hang out with her best friend frances and frances's daughter ellie whom she raised on her own and who is very smart. they have a special bond, frances is currently dating ellie's teacher, but everyone knows that it is really someone else she is meant to be with

just kidding

ok so kathleen is teaching

and inspiring

11:57am

very probable as well:)

11:58am

that's gilmore girls

11:58am

ellie? is that what you wanna name her?

yeah, I know

11:58am

frances is actually being courted by a prince at this time

11:58am

grll

11:58am

elanor

11:58am

oh, i can see that

11:58am

elanore

11:58am

that's pretty

11:58am

ok back to kathleen

11:58am

back to me

11:58am

hahaha

and she dates men

and thiks of how adrian is doing with his family

she checks up on him from time to time and he her

she sees the life she might have had

but she is happy that she is doing something that makes her happy

even though being with him would make her happy

and being in that culture

but this way she ... oh ps...she is dating a wonderful fellow teacher

she learned whaat she needed to learn from adrian

12:01pm

i like the sound of that

12:01pm

but what was right for her was to use that and grow. and she did.

it helped her to understand people more

and love

12:01pm

:)

12:02pm

but there is not one kind of love

there are different loves

12:02pm

true

12:02pm

and what may feel so right with one love can be felt again but in a different way with another

and that is one way my story for you would go

i can create the alternate if you wish

i used to do it with my dolls all the time

12:03pm

haha that's funny I think i did that too

12:03pm

i played for hours and hours, sometimes not even moving the dolls just thinking

12:03pm

oh, I always moved them

they kissed A LOT

12:04pm

hahahahha

12:04pm

i guess that's what happens when your mom is dating a bunch when you're young. you see a bunch of kissing--so Barbie got some action

12:05pm

HAHAHAHAHAHA