the eye of the stove and the heart

how many times do you have to get burned before you learn to stop putting your hand on the stove?

you see many eyes on the stove and you think they can't all be hot.

so you test one.

you test two.

you test three.

each time you test you see something different than the last one. but yet each time you are burned.

maybe someday it won't burn, you think to yourself.

and you test the forth.

and the forth seems cool but suddenly your body shakes with the sizzle that runs through your fingers and you have a pain that is richer than the others. for before, the others had excuses. and what is the forth eye's excuse? he was just a stove eye, just like the others, and it was in his nature.

when do you learn that you will never be the same temperature as the eyes? do you have to touch more stove tops? it is in your nature to learn and grow. as it is in their nature to be hot. and so must it be that your nature is also to get burned?

you are mine to take.

after feeling down, and starting a variety of depressing blogs and following through with the depressing/slit my wrist tweets...i received a letter with a quote that I would like to share



Who knows where life will take me next? The world is my lobster after all.

BIG love to you all. I hope to see many of you in the next few months.

metta

metta

metta

now... for those of you who still don't understand what I'm saying when I sign off with "metta"...it is from the buddhist philosophy, it is the essence of Thai massage. When I explain this, it gives me goosebumps as this is what makes my spirit soar and my head swim sometimes when I am working...(and this is why I should always be doing massage and not something else!), in three words the simplest I can say is: unconditional unadulterated love.

Kat... incarnated yet again.

xxx

who will take my picture?

who will take my picture when I am standing on the beautiful beach and putting my toes in the water?
who will be with me and talk about the colors and the people and things we find in the world?
who will help me when I am lost or translate for me when I don't understand?
who will be there for me when I had a bad day?
there is no one.

don't you dare look forward to returning to the place where you were taken care of because it is gone.

Poverty

As I was sitting in church today a woman came up to me and said she was looking for a job. I told her to come by the school that I work for to see if they have anything. She kept asking questions and so I told her to sit next to me and I continued to talk to her as church was happening. Let me also comment on her appearance. She was a darker Asian with not new clothes, carrying a plastic bag and a purse. After we finished the brief conversation she continued to sit next to me as we prayed.

However, I was not praying. I was thinking - thank God that won't happen to me. But it can. It can so easily happen to me. It could happen to me tomorrow. or even today. I could lose all that I own. But someone would take care of me, right? nooo. what if my parents died and there was not enough to live off of? I could to an extent but I would be searching for a job just as desperately as this woman. I felt a small relief in thinking oh I still have my brother he could help me. no. what if he was already gone? dead. I would have nothing. and my friends wouldn't be able to help because you can't ask that of people. you cannot be so dependent.

you are alone and you are the only person who can take care of you. you cannot expect anyone to be there for you. you must be prepared to be the only one that is there for you.

I could not help this woman because I do not have the authority to. I would not be able to hire her, I would not be able to give her advice or hand her enough money. And at some point that will be me. I will be the beggar. I will be searching for a job and unable to find one. I will be starving. I will be dirty. and there will be no one there for me because they have to be there for themselves and they are trying to survive just like me.

comfort

things to look forward to about coming home:

air conditioning
riding in a car
listening to the radio
listening to the stereo
not getting blasted with pollution and bugs wherever I go
air conditioning
sleeping in a bed that has not been shared by god know how many people
windshields
windshield wipers
people understand what i am saying when i say HELP or EMERGENCY
having conversations in english
a shower that has been cleaned recently
roaches that don't fly and are under 3inches long
no noisy gekkos
warm water
water pressure
drinking out of the faucet
clean laundry
a drier
an iron
carpet
not having to take off my shoes every time i go somewhere
not hearing the carpenters
less dust
no black feet
a public library
reading current books
watching current movies
tv
a couch
watching tv online
sonic
cheese
pizza
pasta
tomatoes
salads
milk
not having bloodshot eyes from the dust
people who can drive
people who can think
voice mail
orange juice
music
friends*
an oven
a stove
soap
paper
toilet paper

New home. New job. New diet.

i have to make money. this means that i am doing a lot of online research on alternative jobs. i will become a plasma donating, online review making, babysitting artist.

and my new diet - only alcohol and water.
i have to lose all this damn rice weight and i sure as hell am not giving up drinking.

i might throw in some cake but thats all
my diet will mostly be alcohol.

hijacked airplane

so as i was hyperventilating on the plane from Ho Chi Min to Hanoi I was thinking about my last moments on the plane

I was thinking about how sad it would be if my flight from korea to LA was hijacked by terrorists. of course they would be koreans, and they would have to keep it cool for a few hours while we stopped in china. and why would they chose LA? who knows what's really happening in their minds? they have bombs strapped to their bodies for christs sake.

so they hijack this plane. i flash to the scenes of the families all upset. and then mine - she's been away for so long, she was just trying to make it home to see her family. (didn't think of the soldiers on my plane, you can call that selfish)

i then think if i die then i will constantly be stuck in purgatory. this is a metaphor

what about the air marshals? hmm...

anyway the men are hijacking the plane and being mean to people but i find the time to leave a contact to my friends and family. i can't use an onflight phone - those aren't around. can't use a cell. don't have one. can't do internet. so i grab my book and quickly and secretly scrawl a message that remains safe and might eventually reaches my people

I tell people i love them and all and how much they have meant to me. and i leave the password to my facebook account to kathleen so that she may continue posting for me. whether that be as me or in remembrance that is up to her.

and i thought of the possibility that ppl won't even know i was on the flight. the news is reporting it as it's happening but they haven't revealed the passengers yet. so before i go i will post on fbook my flight numbers. provided i have facebook in whatever country.