but not me

some are engaged. some are married. some are married with children. some have love children. some are still in school. some got the job they went to school for. some moved back home. some are working in restaurants. some are drug addicts.

the only life I want is my own.

competency award please

i went to the hospital today for a physical for my work permit. they took my blood. only to check for syphilis. I really don't think the woman who took my blood should be around needles. i don't think she could see well plus she had Parkinson's. fuck my poor arm. i haven't taken many medical classes but i know enough that it should not be swollen and blue around my vein. and pain is usually bad.

Cracks in the kitchen, suitcases on the porch.

A lot of things were different when i returned. My window was broken and the graffiti on the wall said “Go Home”. But I was home, wasn’t I? Was my language lost? Were my lungs broken? Had my mind hardened? My tooth loosened? Did I leave my heart at one of those doctors? Uptown, downtown, some town somewhere along the way the long way there? Things change. There’s nothing in those suitcases, it’s all in the cracks.


I feel that if I go back that I will just go back in time and I will be sitting at the table in the small classroom with the studio art majors eating candy and learning about mounting pictures sitting beside Allison and Sherina and accidentally kicking Joel, wondering what in the world Ives is thinking. That I will just be walking to my car in the parking garage. That I will be sitting in Ives's basement with the bright spotlights on, wearing my green t-shirt waiting as he took pictures of me. That I will be sitting at my mom's computer downstairs in the kitchen with coffee beside me and checking my facebook in my pajamas one foot on the chair and a blanket around me. But my dreams tell me differently. I can't go back, I can only go back to the boring I was escaping. And I will have nothing to do. For I have had my exciting and I gave it up to come home.

i had a dream i went back to nash

crashville

i had a dream i went back. it was terrible. everything was boring. i went to 5 spot and the only person i saw that i recognized was someone that i always tried to avoid there. and the whole time during the dream i was like i can't believe i left thailand for this

it makes me sick to think of leaving.

i miss people at home and experiences. i wish a lot of my people would just come over here.
also it's going to be hard going back to a small minded area. they were small minded before i left and now they are going to be even smaller.

at the same time i can't wait to see it and complain about it.

this is for those who deside to give up on a dream

I know it's hard for you, but I can't console you in your decision to go home because I think you're stupid for giving up.

motorbike accident number 4

only the 2nd one that was actually my fault though.

the students and bosses asked if i had been drinking?
i said yes.
cause i was.
my boss was advising me to clean my wounds.
i said it hurt too much.
he said take a shot of tequila
i said that's what got me into this mess.

and i thought i just got away with some scrapes. but this one keeps oozing. plus the gauze keeps ripping off whatever skin forms. and i thought it was just bruises that were hurting when i touched certain areas, but tonight in the shower i noticed that my arm looks awfully funny shaped. different from other non broken arms

pink elephants

pink elephants

this used to be one of my least favorite parts to one of my least favorite movies.
but now
i know drinking.
i know hallucinating.
and i like and appreciate it.

i will write you the story of your life

Today

11:40am

hey!

11:40am

oh well hellpppp

ooooo

wanna skype

11:40am

i'm still house sitting

on their computer

with no skype

11:41am

ooo

11:41am

:/

11:41am

well next time i have something to show you

11:41am

what is it?!

11:41am

surprise

11:41am

dang it

i wanna know

but i'll wait I guess:)

how's your night goin?

11:42am

yes you'll have to

ok

hows your day

11:43am

it's been okay so far

just had breakfast with the high school crew

2 of em just go engaged

11:43am

oh shit

guess whos next

miss well

s

11:43am

who?

11:43am

spleen

you

11:44am

pshhh, according to Bob, yes

but I'm gonna go with no

not marriage

11:44am

i say you are as well

fine you move in with him

11:44am

I'm not there yet

11:44am

and you get pregnant

calling it

11:44am

yes, that is definitely more probable

11:44am

right now

11:44am

haha

this time last year this wouldn't have even been on my mind

11:45am

so you two are going to live together in mexico or nash?

11:45am

but right now things are slowing down so maybe those 2 things won't even happen

11:45am

well if things go my way

11:45am

i can't go to mexico. but i know it's going to be weird to do it here, so I don't know

11:45am

the way my kathleen paper doll story would go

11:46am

haha how would it go?

11:46am

but also in my story i could pick one route and then change it for you to the other when i think it is wrong

it would go hmmmm

i'm trying to think of what i would actually pick in my doll story

cause i usually go with shocking

11:47am

what would end the most happily?

11:47am

is frances included

11:47am

yes of course

11:47am

oh i generally don't choose the happiest

because not everyone can be happy

11:47am

i know you're the shocker!

i know, but I wanna be happy :)

and bright

and full of joy

11:48am

ok so frances is the ghost writer for kathleens story

where do i start?

kathleen is working at pei wei in murphreesboro

11:48am

anywhere

that's a bad start isn't it? i gotta change that

11:49am

and whats his face is working at pei wei in green hills?

11:49am

yeah

11:49am

he is thinking about moving back

11:49am

yeah

11:50am

actually how i would make things isn;t very nice because i don't care for him like you do so it would sadden you not be bright and happy the whole time, but maybe later

he gets deported - that is one route to take in my story

another - he goes back regretfully

11:50am

that could happen

11:51am

after heavy pushing of kathleen to go with him

and she wants to

11:51am

but she can't :/

11:51am

and she is so torn up over the decision

and does not want to tell him no

and is scared to death to tell him goodbye

for when could be the next time she sees him?

will he find someone else?

he won't he only has eyes for her right now, and the heart that he has for her will only be for her forever

but he moves and she stays because she sees her future here

even if she can't

she just can't leave

mental block

11:53am

this sounds true

11:53am

maybe someday she says

time passes

11:53am

haha

11:53am

the two still love one another

but they grow apart

talking less frequently

11:54am

very probable

11:54am

and less

he marries someone in mexico

11:54am

and she has lots and lots of babies

11:54am

or a mexican in georgia - where he moves to when he comes back

yes she has several babies

but both still think of the other from time to time

and kathleen has a job doing what she loves

11:55am

teaching!

11:57am

cooking. and gets to hang out with her best friend frances and frances's daughter ellie whom she raised on her own and who is very smart. they have a special bond, frances is currently dating ellie's teacher, but everyone knows that it is really someone else she is meant to be with

just kidding

ok so kathleen is teaching

and inspiring

11:57am

very probable as well:)

11:58am

that's gilmore girls

11:58am

ellie? is that what you wanna name her?

yeah, I know

11:58am

frances is actually being courted by a prince at this time

11:58am

grll

11:58am

elanor

11:58am

oh, i can see that

11:58am

elanore

11:58am

that's pretty

11:58am

ok back to kathleen

11:58am

back to me

11:58am

hahaha

and she dates men

and thiks of how adrian is doing with his family

she checks up on him from time to time and he her

she sees the life she might have had

but she is happy that she is doing something that makes her happy

even though being with him would make her happy

and being in that culture

but this way she ... oh ps...she is dating a wonderful fellow teacher

she learned whaat she needed to learn from adrian

12:01pm

i like the sound of that

12:01pm

but what was right for her was to use that and grow. and she did.

it helped her to understand people more

and love

12:01pm

:)

12:02pm

but there is not one kind of love

there are different loves

12:02pm

true

12:02pm

and what may feel so right with one love can be felt again but in a different way with another

and that is one way my story for you would go

i can create the alternate if you wish

i used to do it with my dolls all the time

12:03pm

haha that's funny I think i did that too

12:03pm

i played for hours and hours, sometimes not even moving the dolls just thinking

12:03pm

oh, I always moved them

they kissed A LOT

12:04pm

hahahahha

12:04pm

i guess that's what happens when your mom is dating a bunch when you're young. you see a bunch of kissing--so Barbie got some action

12:05pm

HAHAHAHAHAHA